# Hey Here’s a Discourse.... **Covers**:: [[autism]], [[guilt]], [[motivation]], [[shame]], **Source**:: [Hey Here’s a Discourse....](https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343734530154499) **Creator**:: [[@mykola on Twitter]] # Highlights ##### ^256879349 highlight_tags:: [[motivation]], [[guilt]], [[shame]], [[autism]] Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343734530154499 ###### ^256879349q Hey here’s a discourse. How many of you unmasked autistics and other ND folks on your way to healing and self-actualization hit a point where you dropped your shame and fear… and suddenly lost the ability to motivate yourself to do stuff? For me it was *stark*. https://t.co/4WEe0mMxfi ^256879349 ##### ^256879350 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343736782499848 ###### ^256879350q I’ve told the story of dropping my shame on here a few times, not going to rehash the details now. But suffice to say there was a moment where I understood that the ten tons of shame I’d lugged around my whole life weren’t mine to carry, so I put them down. ^256879350 ##### ^256879351 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343737772392448 ###### ^256879351q Coworkers commented that I seemed like a different person from that Friday to that Monday. My whole bearing changed. The way I walk and stand changed. I wasn’t ashamed to take up space anymore. This world was as much mine as anyone else’s. And: nobody can make me do anything. ^256879351 ##### ^256879352 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343738766405633 ###### ^256879352q Which, great! Until I realized that not even I can make me do anything, because my whole productivity engine had been driven by external motivation and consequence avoidance and I was no longer afraid. My employer at that time did not get my best work. ^256879352 ##### ^256879353 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343739722739719 ###### ^256879353q Since then it’s been about building up positive motivation. I do things where I will be satisfied by the process of doing them. I’ve rearranged my work life to let me focus on the things I enjoy and am good at, and I am now motivated by achieving goals and delighting others. ^256879353 ##### ^256879354 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343741270351874 ###### ^256879354q That took a while to get there. There really was a good while where I could work on maybe a ticket per day and I’d hang up my hat the instant I achieved more than zero. Between the broken motivator and the autistic burnout I had very little to offer. ^256879354 ##### ^256879355 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468343742495174668 ###### ^256879355q But time and slowness and time and patience and time and reflection and time and therapy have helped me to come to know who I am in the absence of that fear and shame. This person always existed, it’s just that his goals never mattered. Now they do. ^256879355 ##### ^256879356 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468344942959415296 ###### ^256879356q Trauma teaches us not to exist. It replaces joy with fear, anticipation with dread, excitement with anxiety. It takes your ability to play from you because play is for safe people and you are not safe. It teaches you to run, RUN! NOW! DON’T STOP! The kid under it goes away. ^256879356 ##### ^256879357 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468344944242925573 ###### ^256879357q But you heal your trauma, you learn that the fear and dread and anxiety are things you don’t have to hold. But removing the monster won’t let the scared little kid come back out. You gotta go get him, coax him out, convince him he’s safe. He won’t believe you at first. It’s work ^256879357 ##### ^256879358 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468345677382103040 ###### ^256879358q Where I’m at now is that weed withdrawal has me 100% anhedonic. I just logged a ten hour work day because it was at least something to do. And I’m recognizing the same shape. A motivator has been lost. I used to smoke and then enjoy doing stuff. Without smoking I can’t sit still ^256879358 ##### ^256879359 Goto: https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1468345678778843139 ###### ^256879359q No game or show holds my attention, and forget books. This is like when I lost my shame, in a way, except instead of interfering with work and obligation it interferes with leisure. Huh. ^256879359